Love them, hate them, you can’t ignore them
What's the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand
What's an accountant's idea of trashing his hotel room?
Refusing to fill out the guest comment card
What's the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do?
Go into town and gang-audit someone
What does an accountant say when you ask him the time?
It's 9.18 am and 12 seconds; no wait - 13 seconds, no wait - 14 seconds, no wait......
Why did the accountant stare at his glass of orange juice for three hours?
Because on the box it said Concentrate.
The accountant's prayer:
Lord, help me be more relaxed about insignificant details, starting tomorrow at 10.53:16 am, Eastern Daylight Saving Time.
Conversation between two accountants at a cocktail party:
".......and ninthly..."
What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
Depreciation
How do you know accountants have no imagination?
They named a firm PricewaterhouseCoopers
What do you call an accountant without a spreadsheet?
Lost
If an accountant's wife can't get to sleep, what does she say?
"Tell me about work today, dear"
Why do accountants get excited on Saturdays?
They can wear casual clothes to work
How do you know when an accountant's on holidays?
He doesn't wear a tie to work and comes in after 8.30
What does CPA stand for?
Can't Produce Anything
What's an auditor?
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded
Why did the auditor cross the road?
Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.
Why did he cross back?
So he could charge the client for travel expenses.
How many auditors does it take to change a light bulb?
How many did it take last year?
How many cost accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
Hmmm........I'll just do a few numbers and get back to you
Laws of Accounting
1. Trial balances don't
2. Bank reconciliations never do
3. Working Capital does not
4. Return on Investments never will
A fool and his money are soon audited
A lady goes to see her doctor with some worrying symptoms and he examines her.
"I'm sorry," he says "but it's bad news. You have only six months to live."
The patient says, "Oh Doctor. That's terrible. What should I do?"
The doctor says, "I advise you to marry a CPA."
"Will that make me live longer?"
"No," says the doctor. "But it will seem longer."- No offence- hahahaha
An auditor is checking the books of an airline. He is puzzled by the excess use of fuel on a
"It was late at night'" says the pilot, "
"I'm sorry," says the auditor, "but you'll have to bear the cost yourself."
"The cost of what?" asks the pilot.
"Of the bearings you lost."
Accountant after reading nursery rhymes to his young child:
"No, son. When Little Bo Peep lost her sheep that wouldn't be tax deductible, but I like your thinking".
